Heavenly Bodies

What makes you choose one block of flats over another? 

Location, obviously.  And as an aside, the famous phrase ‘Location, Location, Location’ was not invented by Kirstie Allsopp and Phil Spencer, presenters of the eponymous TV programme, but by one Harold Samuel, property developer, in 1944.  But then I expect you knew that.

Before lockdown, a good urban location might have been defined as a town centre, close to railway station/transport hub, shops, cinema, cafes and restaurants, for that authentic city experience; no car needed.

After lockdown, a flat may be the last place you want to live, the train station may no longer be relevant, parking may suddenly be more important and access to green space top of the agenda.

So how does a pre-Covid development of ‘luxury apartments’ sell itself? The one Terroir has in mind must have seemed a sure fire thing when it was planned in the 20 teens. It is literally opposite a good commuter railway station, right at the edge of the town centre, and with a cinema/restaurant complex, aimed at boosting the evening/night time economy, going up just across the road.   Oh, and an international airport 20 minutes away (flight path not an issue).  What more does the pre-pandemic, go-getting singleton or couple desire?  The outdated sales blurb talks of good transport connections (well you will certainly get a seat on the train these days), retail therapy (currently closed), pubs and restaurants (if they ever re-open), and wonderful local countryside (true but car - and thus parking space – essential). 

Terroir visited a two-bedroom show flat last summer.  Considering this seems to be the most expensive apartment block in town, we were surprised to find: no separate kitchen (washing up in full view from living space); en-suite to master bedroom seriously reducing wardrobe space, no cat-swinging room in either bedroom, and a tiny balcony overlooking either a main road or the railway line (great for railway gricers, I suppose - see last week’s blog).  Oh and we forgot to mention, and I quote, the

·        Porcelanosa wall tiles in bathroom and en-suite

·        Integrated Bosch appliances in the kitchen

·        TV/FM Sky Q points to living room and master bedroom

·        Stylish bathrooms with Roca bath and chrome Hansgrohe taps and fittings

 Call us old-fashioned but we don’t understand a word of that.

So, lets go outside and take a look at the greenspace.  On three sides the block is bordered by a main road, a sizeable but inaccessible railway embankment, and a second block of flats, still under construction.  Out front?  The building is separated from another main road (on the other side of which lies the under-construction-cinema site and the town centre) by an irregular space which has just been ‘landscaped’.  We have to say, it did make us smile.  And brought out the worst in us, too. 

Let’s try to be positive, to begin with, at any rate. Topiary seems to be the order of the day, creating a green passage between the building and the main road. I love the way the cypress seem to flicker and dance like flames in the sunshine while the bay laurel ‘guard of honour’ keeps pedestrains on the straight and narrow.

But is it really going to work? I give it one summer to impress potential purchasers of the remaining flats (let’s stop calling them ‘apartments’) and by next year the maintenance regime will have started to ‘level down’ the whole thing.

Let’s take it apart.

The Cypress snake: these things grow fast and furiously. Keeping them in shape (literally) will take consistent and sympathetic trimming. Neither adjective is in common usage with the average commercial residential grounds maintenance team or, perhaps more accurately, the budget of the contract manager. The image to the right of the snake depicts a hedge of Cypress ‘Green Hedger’ which is cut back twice a year just to keep it in this simple form.

The conical bay trees (laurus nobilis): their natural shape is neither conical nor noble and they will need ongoing care and attention to keep them to this shape and size. The bay illustrated to the right of the newly-planted specimen grows in a garden about 500 m from our conical friends.

The yew bomb, cannon ball or heavenly body: so heavily clipped that we could not even begin to identify its species, so let’s assume Taxus baccata. Again, they don’t grow naturally like this. The Taxus baccata specimen on the right of the newly planted yew ball is neighbour to the non-conical and expansive bay tree, shown above.

The Euonymus (Euonymus japonica ‘Bravo’): no we are not expert Euonymus growers, that is what it says on the label. Already reaching for the sky, this shrub can, according to the Royal Horticultural Society, grow to 4 m high (yes, really) and spread to 2 m wide. And there are smaller varieties, so why use this one? The right hand image is a different variety but shows the same enthusiasm for vigorous growth.

The Mexican Orange Blossom (Choisya ternata) is no slouch and can quickly grow to well over a metre. It’ll be fun watching it fight for space with the canonball yew. And, oh horror, ‘they’ have included a Photinia fraseri (Little Red Robin). See Blog 3 (12th November) for why I dislike this plant so much.

I actually like the inclusion of Nandina domestica aka Heavenly Bamboo (it isn’t a bamboo, it’s in the Barbary family, most of which are types of Berberis). I’d like it even better if the contract supervisor had spotted the condition of some of the plants. Maybe they just haven’t done the snagging meeting yet… .

There are even a few trees, their trunks making a pleasant contrast to the other vertical elements which include flag poles and ‘for sale’ signs. At least these uprights will probably be removed in the fullness of time.

The choice of location did make us laugh, however. Some branches are already wrapped lovingly around a couple of lamp fittings and one tree is so close to the building that its juvenile boughs are making a concerted effort to climb through an adjacent window.

But there are good bits. A few cheerful daffodils (more would have been nice, of course), a herd of Bergenia (Elephants’ Ears), tough critters with cheerful flowers; they can also spread with alarming rapidity but only require brute force to get them back under control again.

I imagine, by now, that you are getting my drift: if left under-maintained, this formal and sculptual luxury apartment-selling landscape will quickly become a spectacular, if unsophisticated, jungle. Terroir has no problem with landscapes and gardens developing, and this particular landscape may well need changing, thinning, and/or restructuring to create a long term setting for the building. It needs to be both appropiate to the site (narrow, linear space, close to two main roads, plus heavy footfall between station and town centre etc) and to the management company’s budget. The problem will be if no-one manages the residents’ expectations, for when their cypress snakes and soldier bay trees, develop into common or garden trees and shrubs.